The Fullness of Freedom

Freedom in Simple Things

Count every blessing – the little, the big, the in between – even the table that was an answered prayer to my daughter. Each season I go through in life: grief, joy, sorrow, milestones, defining moments, hope, and futures we catch a glimpse of. I now work hard to count every blessing.

I must see the good in everything. Because so much could have taken me out. Took my girls out. Destroyed us. But it didn’t. So I chose to see the good.

A start to another day, I open my eyes. Look for the beauty. See the brilliance of color in the sunrise when blind eyes want to tell me darkness is trying to engulf. It’s a lie.

On my drive I listen closely. Amidst the noise are horns blaring, tires screeching, radios blasting – too many people in too much of a hurry. I block the ringing in my ears. Tune it out to let the sweet “tweet tweet” of the birds swooping past the windshield fill my eardrums instead. Nature’s Harmony.

white and grey flying bird — Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Take a sip of the beverage in my silver mug. Coffee – warm, bold and black – I was blessed to brew in my own kitchen this morning. Some people don’t have that luxury. Rich tones of my favorite blend dance on my tongue. Simply Savored.

My fingertips feel the grooves on the dial of the radio. The “bling bling” on my steering wheel cover. The smooth leather on the seat I sit upon. Tiniest Touches.

Yes the light is green, now I go. As I think about the day ahead. My morning, my family and where I’m headed. I contemplate things. Because today I woke up with a sound mind. Able to use it. Some people didn’t. Treasured Thoughts.

When trials come and struggles happen, to count those blessings – trusting in ALL times – is the only way to get through. To see, hear, touch, smell, and think about every single blessing, no matter how big or how tiny, that surrounds me puts me right into the arms of the Father.

In those arms we find Love, we find Hope and we find Freedom.

My first novel Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans, shows you how my girls and me found Love, Hope and Freedom! Step into Freedom!

Freedom in Shattered Hearts

One of the desires of Olivia’s heart comes true. I sit at it – the tall, wooden, newly-blessed-with kitchen table – where I experience joy at her joy. Fresh on my mind the “never forget the small things are just as important as the big things” conversation.

shallow focus photography of flowers — Photo by Anh Thu on Pexels.com

Then grief sneaks up behind, stretches long, icy arms over my head and wraps around me. Again.

While editing my final draft, unexpected tears flow down my checks. Wrenching cramps in my sides.

Unfair. Unexpected. Unwanted.

Lord? I thought I was past this. The hurt, sorrow when I read his words. No longer my husband for almost five years. So why the tears? The pain?

How can old, damaged words that once shredded my heart soar off the computer screen to slice a fresh tear now? It floors me. This book so close to achieving a finished product in my hands. So close to polished, refined, bound.

Yet here I am, falling apart.

I heard Jacobs voice, “The more I try to be what you want me to be, the more I hate you.” A rip in my heart I thought was perfectly sewn and stitched by the Master Surgeon burst open.

The healing process God took me through to write this book – His book – took me places I could never have foreseen. Places that were about Jacob and places that were not. Healing places all the same.

What do I do with this?

Forgive. Again. All I know to do. Forgive the hurting person who hurt me.

Truth is in this statement. Freedom lies within.

When there is hurt, it comes from hurt. We hurt, so we hurt others.

Whether deep hurt from someone who shattered our heart or hurt feelings, our reaction is to react in pain. How we process it is up to us.

Another voice sounds louder in my unwelcomed sorrow. The Voice that reminds me why I forgive – for me.

For Freedom! Forgiveness sets us Free!

If you want a glimpse of mine and my daughters’ paths of Forgiveness and Freedom read my first novel Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans. Now available in regular and Kindle. Step into Freedom!

Freedom in Exposure

“How do you think you’ll feel when you’re sitting in a room full of people that have read the intimate details of your life?”

The questioner knew my private self would encounter my public self once specifics of that life were unveiled.

Exposed. Wide open for all to see…I hesitated. But I was doing it willingly. Without force from anyone or anything.

This time control was mine. Any exploitation or bearing of me came from my own revealing. My own doing. Not the hands of molesters, abusers or people seeking their own self gratification. Fighting their own demons they could not contain.

No longer would I be exposed in a private little world, to a select few. Made to feel I had to cover, protect and lock away the horrible secrets.

A belief crammed down deep that screamed KEEP SILENT because “it” would shame me. “It” was my fault. I caused what happened to me. But I had been deceived, lied to and abused. For so long, on so many levels. I had become a victim. To be exposed in the way they decided and for their pleasures.

No, this time I would not be exploited but expose myself in a manner that did the exact opposite of its former revealing.

Although it is still frightening and requires much faith and truth, it does not produce shame, guilt, unworthiness and fear. Does not create in me monsters hidden away in places so dark I could not see them. I only feel their presence as they lurk inside my being, trying to torment.

Those days were over. A different type of exposure happened. Exposure of everything so deeply hidden. Now left bare. Twisted, raw and open. Guilt, sorrow and weeping loss as I was left with a feeling of barrenness. All the while knowing, somehow, this too shall pass.

Brilliance as colors fill my atmosphere. red and yellow fireworks during night time Darkness seems to have lost its hiding place.

Music no longer a note to sing along with but a vibration through my body as dancing sound surrounds me.

This uncovering brings with it tears and cleansing, beauty from ashes, joy in the mourning and truth that opens eyes to see. It brings forgiveness for the unforgivable, rest for the weary and restores more than what was stolen.

Healing laughter falls freely as things left for dead come back to life. Hills and valley, no longer walked alone. Walls crumbling down and bridges beautifully crossed.

No, now I expose to be set free: Me, You, Them. I expose what our Freedom so openly displays.

My first novel Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans, exposes our life before and after Domestic Violence. Step into Freedom!

Fifteen knows Freedom

My fifteen year old daughter walked into the room as I pondered the many definitions of the word – Freedom. What does she feel it means? Upon asking, I received these answers: no more constrictions, being set free, finding yourself, no more chains and lastly, to have a clear mind.

Putting her on the spot like I did, she voiced some impressive descriptions. The answers were not flippant. To be carelessly tossed out. The wheels turned in her head. All of her being focused on illustration.

When I observed her demonstration of the first meaning – no more constrictions – Olivia had used her hands to show a space in the air that was small then enlarged. As though she went from holding a baseball to a beach ball.

With freedom comes movement. Just like the flow between her non-constricted hands. They had to move, had to show motion—expansion.

Olivia’s last example – to have a clear mind – grabbed me. Yes! What freedom that is! Is there movement with that form of freedom too? Absolutely. To be surrounded by chaos and turmoil can produce a place of torment in our minds that stifles to the point of immobility. When that bondage is broken, dark turns to light as a shifting happens—movement! Clarity, inspiration, awakening, freedom….

Such beautiful expressions from my insightful daughter’s mind.

art child paint children — Photo by Tookapic on Pexels.com

Was I watching a work of art in the making? Like that of an artist dipping her fingers into paint and spreading streaks upon the canvas or a dancer as every twist and turn of his body causes the music to leap off the paper with him?

As Olivia grows in maturity and experiences life, I wonder if her examples will broaden. Maybe I will ask her to elaborate this word, once more, in the future. How drastically will her views change?

Olivia spent the first ten years of her childhood living in a home of Domestic Violence. I thought of how our life had formed her reality of freedom and the way she expressed it. The last five freed from that environment as she, her sister and I stepped into a world we had yet to know together.

One of Freedom. And what a world of vibrate, beautiful color and sound it is!

My recently released novel Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans, takes you into our life before and after Domestic Violence. Step into Freedom!

No Regrets in Hope

This post first appeared as a guest post for RJ Thesman. I was deeply humbled. Please check her out. https://rjthesman.net/

My first memoir, “Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans” is now available on Amazon.

As I stand in my kitchen, the faces on the fridge stare back at me. Photos of those dear to my heart, those I fought to survive for: my daughters, my grandson, my aunts.

Even my sweet cuddlebug dog. I made the hard choice to re-home him and uproot my daughter. Sacrifices for a better life.

A few older images, one when the girls were younger and another hanging out with cousins, still hold a place on the white enamel fridge.

Pure happiness caught in those moments. No one can steal it away. No hurt connected with those faces.

Other photos collected over the past five years. Newer. Fresh. Symbolic of starting over. Snapshots of our new lives.

I recognize transformation in my daughters. Slow. Baby steps. Heads tilted back with giggles.

They were beginning to find themselves and find each other. They were healing. And it was beautiful.

No turning back. Not now. Did I have any regrets?

Doubts that I had done the wrong thing by divorcing their father after an almost nineteen-year relationship? That somehow if I had done more of this or more of that the Domestic Violence we lived with would have ended?

I only had to stand oh so still and listen. Listen and soak in the peace, calm, and stillness that came with the sound of Freedom.

Did I stay too long or leave too soon? Regrets that I damaged my children by remaining damaged myself? Regrets because my daughters didn’t know the true meaning of a father?

I ache for them now being fatherless.

Then the sound engulfs me. As I release the Regrets that are no longer mine to bear, I hear the sound. Healing tears, laughter, squeals of sisters.

I have No Regrets in Hope.

Freedom Defined

When you think of freedom, what does it mean to you?

I think of being able to live. But not just to feel my heartbeat or to breathe. To experience life in a way I never have before. Free from restraints and bondage that comes in so many forms: shame, addiction, lack of self worth, abuse, grief, hate.

Many destructive forces and fears steal our freedom. They damage our lives. We need to be free to taste joy, cross bridges that await with the courage to explore.

A weight lifted off my shoulders as I found me—who I am and was created to be.

Freedom means different things to different people. Each having their own beliefs, history and perceptions. No wrong answer. A personalized touch expressed in each definition of the word.

Once you have been bound by something or someone and you break free—that is a raw, pure revelation of freedom. Whether it arrives after years of recovery from addiction, a convict that has served his time or having defeated the trap of perfectionism—freedom means life.

Freedom can be as simplistic as a walk out the front door to go anywhere you want. It can also be as complicated as finding escape from the desperate places in your life.

We live in the land of the free, but gaining our freedom was costly. A price paid by someone else.

The price for my freedom was also paid – by me. So how have I learned to live free?

Follow me here and discover how to Live in the Fullness of Freedom.

Check out my new book Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans.