Freedom in Exposure

“How do you think you’ll feel when you’re sitting in a room full of people that have read the intimate details of your life?”

The questioner knew my private self would encounter my public self once specifics of that life were unveiled.

Exposed. Wide open for all to see…I hesitated. But I was doing it willingly. Without force from anyone or anything.

This time control was mine. Any exploitation or bearing of me came from my own revealing. My own doing. Not the hands of molesters, abusers or people seeking their own self gratification. Fighting their own demons they could not contain.

No longer would I be exposed in a private little world, to a select few. Made to feel I had to cover, protect and lock away the horrible secrets.

A belief crammed down deep that screamed KEEP SILENT because “it” would shame me. “It” was my fault. I caused what happened to me. But I had been deceived, lied to and abused. For so long, on so many levels. I had become a victim. To be exposed in the way they decided and for their pleasures.

No, this time I would not be exploited but expose myself in a manner that did the exact opposite of its former revealing.

Although it is still frightening and requires much faith and truth, it does not produce shame, guilt, unworthiness and fear. Does not create in me monsters hidden away in places so dark I could not see them. I only feel their presence as they lurk inside my being, trying to torment.

Those days were over. A different type of exposure happened. Exposure of everything so deeply hidden. Now left bare. Twisted, raw and open. Guilt, sorrow and weeping loss as I was left with a feeling of barrenness. All the while knowing, somehow, this too shall pass.

Brilliance as colors fill my atmosphere. red and yellow fireworks during night timeDarkness seems to have lost its hiding place.

Music no longer a note to sing along with but a vibration through my body as dancing sound surrounds me.

This uncovering brings with it tears and cleansing, beauty from ashes, joy in the mourning and truth that opens eyes to see. It brings forgiveness for the unforgivable, rest for the weary and restores more than what was stolen.

Healing laughter falls freely as things left for dead come back to life. Hills and valley, no longer walked alone. Walls crumbling down and bridges beautifully crossed.

No, now I expose to be set free: Me, You, Them. I expose what our Freedom so openly displays.

©2018 Wina Rushing – All rights reserved.

My first novel Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans, exposes our life before and after Domestic Violence. Step into Freedom!

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Fifteen knows Freedom

  

My fifteen year old daughter walked into the room as I pondered the many definitions of the word – Freedom. What does she feel it means? Upon asking, I received these answers: no more constrictions, being set free, finding yourself, no more chains and lastly, to have a clear mind.

Putting her on the spot like I did, she voiced some impressive descriptions. The answers were not flippant. To be carelessly tossed out. The wheels turned in her head. All of her being focused on illustration.  

When I observed her demonstration of the first meaning – no more constrictions – Olivia had used her hands to show a space in the air that was small then enlarged. As though she went from holding a baseball to a beach ball.

With freedom comes movement. Just like the flow between her non-constricted hands. They had to move, had to show motion—expansion.

Olivia’s last example – to have a clear mind – grabbed me. Yes! What freedom that is! Is there movement with that form of freedom too? Absolutely. To be surrounded by chaos and turmoil can produce a place of torment in our minds that stifles to the point of immobility. When that bondage is broken, dark turns to light as a shifting happens—movement! Clarity, inspiration, awakening, freedom….

Such beautiful expressions from my insightful daughter’s mind.

art child paint children
Photo by Tookapic on Pexels.com

Was I watching a work of art in the making? Like that of an artist dipping her fingers into paint and spreading streaks upon the canvas or a dancer as every twist and turn of his body causes the music to leap off the paper with him?

As Olivia grows in maturity and experiences life, I wonder if her examples will broaden. Maybe I will ask her to elaborate this word, once more, in the future. How drastically will her views change?

Olivia spent the first ten years of her childhood living in a home of Domestic Violence. I thought of how our life had formed her reality of freedom and the way she expressed it. The last five freed from that environment as she, her sister and I stepped into a world we had yet to know together.

One of Freedom. And what a world of vibrate, beautiful color and sound it is!

©2018 Wina Rushing – All rights reserved.

My recently released novel Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans, takes you into our life before and after Domestic Violence. Step into Freedom!

 

 

No Regrets in Hope

 

This post first appeared as a guest post for RJ Thesman. I was deeply humbled. Please check her out. https://rjthesman.net/

 ThumbnailMy first memoir, “Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans is now available on Amazon.   

As I stand in my kitchen, the faces on the fridge stare back at me. Photos of those dear to my heart, those I fought to survive for: my daughters, my grandson, my aunts.

Even my sweet cuddlebug dog. I made the hard choice to re-home him and uproot my daughter. Sacrifices for a better life.

A few older images, one when the girls were younger and another hanging out with cousins, still hold a place on the white enamel fridge.

Pure happiness caught in those moments. No one can steal it away. No hurt connected with those faces.

Other photos collected over the past five years. Newer. Fresh. Symbolic of starting over. Snapshots of our new lives.

I recognize transformation in my daughters. Slow. Baby steps. Heads tilted back with giggles.

They were beginning to find themselves and find each other. They were healing. And it was beautiful.

No turning back. Not now. Did I have any regrets?

Doubts that I had done the wrong thing by divorcing their father after an almost nineteen-year relationship? That somehow if I had done more of this or more of that the Domestic Violence we lived with would have ended?

I only had to stand oh so still and listen. Listen and soak in the peace, calm, and stillness that came with the sound of Freedom.

Did I stay too long or leave too soon? Regrets that I damaged my children by remaining damaged myself? Regrets because my daughters didn’t know the true meaning of a father?

I ache for them now being fatherless.

Then the sound engulfs me. As I release the Regrets that are no longer mine to bear, I hear the sound. Healing tears, laughter, squeals of sisters.

I have No Regrets in Hope. 

 

©2018 Laney Wind – All Rights Reserved

 

Freedom Defined

When you think of freedom, what does it mean to you?

I think of being able to live. But not just to feel my heartbeat or to breathe. To experience life in a way I never have before. Free from restraints and bondage that comes in so many forms: shame, addiction, lack of self worth, abuse, grief, hate.Thumbnail

Many destructive forces and fears steal our freedom. They damage our lives. We need to be free to taste joy, cross bridges that await with the courage to explore.

A weight lifted off my shoulders as I found me—who I am and was created to be.

Freedom means different things to different people. Each having their own beliefs, history and perceptions. No wrong answer. A personalized touch expressed in each definition of the word.

Once you have been bound by something or someone and you break free—that is a raw, pure revelation of freedom. Whether it arrives after years of recovery from addiction, a convict that has served his time or having defeated the trap of perfectionism—freedom means life.

Freedom can be as simplistic as a walk out the front door to go anywhere you want. It can also be as complicated as finding escape from the desperate places in your life.

We live in the land of the free, but gaining our freedom was costly. A price paid by someone else.

The price for my freedom was also paid – by me. So how have I learned to live free?

Follow me here and discover how to Live in the Fullness of Freedom.

©2018 Wina Rushing – All Rights Reserved

Check out my new book Escaping the Knight in Dirty Blue Jeans.